Adult Daughter with ADD

[anna]

Hello Group,
I just joined and hope to find some comfort and support. My 23 year old daughter I'm quite certain has ADD. As a child she had behavioral problems, was ALWAYS extremely sensitive and emotional. I tried talking to her pediatrician over and over about my concerns but it seemed because it wasn't "written all over her" and she didn't have the hyperactivity piece of it, I could never get her properly diagnosed, not even through the public school system.

She struggled through school from the first day of kindergarten. It was very frustrating for her and very sad for me. I ended up disciplining her probably too harshly at times and would feel so bad about it after. I'd learn from my mistakes and keep persevering hoping she'd "outgrow" it since that was what the doctor's kept telling me. Each teacher would always say "she just doesn't apply herself." She ended up aging out before she could earn enough credits to graduate so is a high school drop out. She is so turned off about school in general she hasn't had the courage to get her GED. Everything overwhelms her.

She just split with her husband of four years (knowing she married too young) so she and my granddaughter have moved back home with me. My husband was never very understanding about all of this so I ended up looking like the bad guy all the time. She has procrastinated about getting a job and went for an interview last week. She will know tomorrow if she gets the job. I pray she does because I know it will do so much for her in many different ways.

I'm basically constantly trying to re-group and change strategies in how to help her. Recently I've come down on her hard being very honest with her about how she needs to stop hanging around with people who make bad choices, since it's so easy to make bad choices in that situation. She refuses to be reasonable many times, almost daily. Stupid stuff like she was driving around on bad tires, with no inspection sticker all the while it's registered and insured in my name. I told her that if she wasn't concerned for her own safety she at least has to be more concerned about her daughter. I refused to let her take my GD in it. Finally I took the plates off and canceled the insurance forcing her to get new tires and register and insure it herself. She had a giant temper tantrum and refused to see our concerns. It's been over a week and she still hasn't gotten a new inspection sticker, knowing the consequences could mean a fine if she gets stopped. She seems more concerned about her friends than her daughter and this isn't like her. She has very natural maternal instincts but lately acts more like a spoiled teen age sister when interacting with her daughter, than her mother. I know she is delayed in maturity but when will she begin to make progress steadily??? In the meantime I want to pull my hair out!! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Anna

[Astraea]

Hi, I'm a 31 year old recently diagnosed with inattentive type ADD. I hope I can give you some insight in your situation. A couple years ago my job was eliminated and I moved back in with my mom so I could go back to school, so I sympathize with how difficult it is to cohabit as two adults.

I drove for a year on expired out-of-state plates until last June. I also had kept my out-of-state drivers' license. I put off getting a new drivers' license so long I ran into trouble that resulted in me having to drive to a city an hour away to provide some paperwork so that I could get my new license before the old one expired the next day.

I've learned that these things are not unusual for people with ADD.

I felt embarrassed and guilty, and when my mom would remind me I needed to go get new plates for my car, I would feel defensive and just want to avoid the situation.

There are two things going on here: 1) Some tasks feel very overwhelming to someone with ADD and we are just not able to get past that overwhelming feeling without learning and practicing techniques to deal with it. 2) Some people with ADD know only "Now" and "not now," when it comes to getting things done. Sometimes things like abstract deadlines for which there are no immediate consequences do not switch a task from "not now" to "now," as they would for people who don't have ADD. I didn't get my new license plates until I had to go in for my drivers' license anyway because I needed to be able to vote.

Your daughter is still young, and even though she has been married and has a child, she might not yet have the experience to see the small, manageable tasks that make up the big task. She might have been avoiding the repair shop because she was embarrassed about expired tags. She might avoid getting new tags because she's embarrassed and anxious about going to the agency to get the renewal.

I'm very sorry she hasn't gotten the help she needs with possible ADD, because treatment could be the best thing for her. In the meantime, I suggest going to her with sympathy rather than as a mother trying to get her daughter to do something. Ask her if you can help her make a plan for getting these things done.

I'm sorry if you've already tried this, but that's what might have helped me.