Guilty parent here

[TracyC]

Hi all,
I'm 44 and a mother to 4 daughters. I was just diagnosed with Adult ADD this past March. I've been taking meds for depression and anxiety for years but since I started on Adderall in March my life has really improved but I still carry a lot of guilt about the type of mother I am/have been. Looking back at when my girls were small I don't know how I even functioned and honestly, a lot of the time I just didn't. My house has always been a mess. There are things/areas that haven't been cleaned in years but I have been able to get some of this done, thanks to my taking the Adderall. It's given me a lot more energy which has helped quite a bit. I still carry a lot of guilt about not being the mother that I always wanted to be.

[jkdean]

Everyone can be considered a guilty parent. Is any one the "perfect Parent"? You need to ease up on yourself and realize -- Your doing the best you can with what you have to work with.
I am currently stuggling with my two teens, 18 + 16. They both say they can't stand living with the rest of the family anymore. I am in constant contact with them as they are staying a few minutes away. They still love me and I now our lives are a work in progress.
I think as long as your loved ones know you love them and that you hate the ADHD as much as they do you'll get through.

[Ro]

I think will all carry a certain amount of guilt with us. Some from the way we raised or are raising our kids, the wasted time in our lives, and a ton of other things. The key is to try and let it go. Let me know if anyone finds the key ;D

[BRATgoddess79]

I'm guilty too. I feel horrible for the ways I've treated my children and my spouse over the years while I was unmedicated.

I'm still taking adderall...and have been for 3 years. During the first year it was wonderful...made me perky, which was wierd, but better than moody. I got a lot of housework done that I would have never even thought about before adderall.

However....it doesn't work the same way now. It keeps me from yelling at people...snapping...arguing non-stop...etc... But it doesn't help as much with concentration or housework... But that could also be the bi-polar disorder and not the ADHD.

I still do things or treat people (the kids and the hubby) in ways I feel guilty about later...but it's definitely not as bad as it used to be. I don't walk up and hit the hubby with a hanger or something when he makes me mad...anymore. lol.

But it's still a daily struggle. The medication makes it easier...for a while. But I think, in some ways, the reliance you end up building on the medication makes things harder. You might find, on a day you've run out of the meds...that it's much harder to control yourself than it was before you started taking the meds.

I no longer make excuses for the parenting issues...I just say that #1) I'm not perfect and I make mistakes, and #2) I'm a lousy mother and a lousy wife but I do the best I can with what I have. And what more can you do? All you can do in life, really, is the best you can with what you've got...with what you've been given.

Don't be too hard on yourself...all that really achieves is added depression...and the AD/HD by itself is bad enough. LOL

[Melissa]

Hello,

I wanted to chime in on this topic. I think we all have guilt at some point of parenting whether we have ADD or not.

Kids are forgiving little people and we should all learn from them. I am sure if you ask them what they remember most about growing up in your home they wont say the house was a mess...they will say my Mom gave me love or read me a book everyday.

Nobody is the "perfect" parent...even if we try our hardest. We are only human. Mother/wives and have alot of stress that is quadrupaled if you are ADD as well.

Hang in there and forgive yourself....and move forward. And start being and doing the things you wished that you did years ago. Explain to your children your thoughts and ask for their forgiveness if you have let them down in the past.

Try to heal from now on and realize you were sick...but now on the road to recovery for your you and your whole family.

God Bless,
Melissa

[scattyschats]

Worrying that the kids are suffering from my lack of organisation or being able to follow through on my plans has been enough for me to consider meds.
Personally i feel my kids are better going to a organised calm daycare mum most days , sending me off to the workplace ('cause I feel heaaps more in control there) and enjoy our weekends together.
the sound of mum mum mum is great until you are trying to answer the phone or get everyone out of the door complete with goods and chatels for the day. Then it can just about make you scream and seize up.
Poor little buggers; they're usually just trying to chat, but if you don't (or can't) answer because you are trying to follow your current thought before you lose it. Just hope it doesn't impact too strongly on them. They are terrific kids.

[BRATgoddess79]

I do agree with the organization issue....I've learned that kids really do need structure in their lives;

schedules so they know what to expect, because most children feel upset when there are too many surprises in their lives.....especially younger children. You might notice, during the process of moving, that one of your children is unusually whiney and sensitive (maybe starts to cry for seemingly no reason and such)...and it's basically because the child has all these fears of their own and they don't quite know how to deal with them....Having a set schedule or routine that you follow everyday really helps the children to feel secure and calm.

There are many other aspects of organization, but I think this one is probably the most important to the kids.

And I know it was mentioned that when the kids grow up they won't remember how messy the house was, but instead the love they received and the time spent with their parents...but I have to disagree with this.

It is human nature to pick out the flaws. I remember my mother's messy house, her lousy cooking skills, and every single promise she broke....every trip to the park she she said we would take, and every time she ended up saying she was sorry, that we couldn't go because she had something more important to do...or that she'd forgotten. Which really made me feel like I wasn't important and I didn't matter to her, and ultimately that she didn't love me. I don't remember the times that she followed through and actually took me to the park or just did whatever she had promised to do....I know there must have been times when she came through like she said she would...but I don't remember the positive stuff, only the negative.

My husband is the same way...and so are most of the people I know (I say most cuz it's possible there's one out there who remembers the positive stuff instead of the negative stuff...but I'm highly doubtful). People in general just have a tendency of remembering the bad stuff. The good stuff floats away....I think because of the lack of conflict...and conflict it what we remember. We have a ahrder time remembering that day we played and laughed together, then we do remembering the day our feelings got hurt and we cried in our room for hours...feeling rejected and hurting inside.

There are quite a lot of us who are also scorekeepers...and will just keep adding the bad stuff to a list until we decide it's full enough, and that the person we feel is the cause of the negetive list gets all our pent up wrath.

Case in point...I recently sent my mother a letter telling her that at 25 years of age I was tired if being let down by her, of feeling rejected by her, of being hurt by her...etc...and that she would always be my mother, but as far as I was concerned our relationship was over. And I brought up stuff that happened when I was about 8 years old....I brought up more current issues too....but at 25 I still have a clear memory of all of the hurts...which is surprising since I can't even remember where I just put the pen I had in my hands 5 minutes ago.

Children remember....and they aren't always willing to forgive when they've grown up and they realize that they were cheated in comparison to the ubringing of other children. This is one of the reasons counselors/therapists make so much money......

Not trying to depress anyone...just want to give you some food for thought.

[scattyschats]

I can't say I've got the same experiences in the parent department. Dad was the action jackson work obsessed so my experiences combined sassy, funny, very different life to the other people at school with never going on holidays( Dad would never take time off) stressed mum and some seriously dreadful nights where Dad had had alot to drink and cracked up over clothes or bags on the floor and has chucked everything over the balcony. Dad would often drink to wind down enough to sleep eventually limiting to weekends. Thankfully never physically hitting out but huge outbursts. Doctors didn't help by prescriptions for Valium to help him sleep. Mind sadly now he's very recently had a major stroke and all our family are devastated and by his bedside and he's visited daily by a wide array of workmates who adore him just as much. Amazing how being different can help you stand out as an individual.